Why Change Feels So Hard (and How to Make It Stick for Good)
As a counselor and coach who works with unconscious beliefs,I hear this all the time:
"I’ve done the mindset work. I read the books. I’ve tried being positive… but my life still feels stuck."
If you’ve ever felt that way, you’re not broken. You’re not failing. And the reason you’re stuck might not be what you think.
Why Mindset Work Isn’t Enough
We’ve been sold this idea that if we “just change our thoughts,” our lives will magically shift. And yes—our thoughts do matter. But real, lasting change runs much deeper.
The truth is, your nervous system and your unconscious identity decide what you allow into your life—not just your conscious thoughts.
You can repeat affirmations all day, but if your system doesn’t feel safe having the thing you want—whether it’s money, love, success, or peace—you’ll push it away without even realizing it.
The Hidden Role of the Nervous System
Here’s what most self-help books don’t tell you:
Your nervous system is designed to keep you safe, not necessarily happy.
And "safe" to your system means familiar—even if what’s familiar is struggle, chaos, or scarcity.
Ever notice how uncomfortable it feels to be deeply seen, to receive more money than you’re used to, or to have someone treat you better than you’ve ever experienced?
That discomfort is your nervous system reacting.
It’s why people self-sabotage just when things start going well.
It’s why someone can finally meet a good partner… and then find reasons to pick a fight or pull away.
It’s why people win money or land their dream job… and somehow lose it all.
It’s not because they’re unlucky.
It’s because deep down, their system doesn’t feel safe holding what they want.
Your Unconscious Identity: The Blueprint You Didn’t Know Was Running
Here’s the other piece that most people miss: your unconscious identity.
We all carry a hidden blueprint of who we believe we are and what’s “normal” for us. It’s shaped by childhood, past experiences, and early relationships.
If you unconsciously believe:
“I’m someone who always has to struggle.”
“I’m the caretaker, not the one who gets cared for.”
“Good things don’t last for me.”
…your actions, choices, and even what you allow yourself to notice will keep proving that belief true.
That’s why change is so hard. You’re not just fighting old thoughts—you’re bumping up against a deeply rooted identity that says: “This isn’t who I am.”
So, What Actually Creates Lasting Change?
Real change doesn’t come from working harder, forcing positivity, or “thinking better thoughts.” It comes from working with your entire system—your mind, your body, and your unconscious identity.
Here’s what actually works:
✅ 1. Challenge Your Old Story
Start noticing the beliefs you’re living by. Where did they come from? Who taught you that success has to be hard? Who modeled love as painful or inconsistent?
Once you see the story, you can start to rewrite it.
✅ 2. Work with Your Nervous System
This is the missing piece for most people. If your body doesn’t feel safe having what you want, you’ll never hold onto it.
The good news? You can train your nervous system to expand slowly—so having more becomes normal, not threatening.
✅ 3. Shift Your Identity
Stop chasing the thing you want and start becoming the version of you who already expects it.
Ask yourself: “Who would I be if having this felt normal?”
Because once your identity shifts, the outside world starts to line up with it.
Real Life Example
A client once told me:
"I finally met a good man—kind, stable, emotionally available—and I felt so anxious I couldn’t sleep. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop."
She didn’t have a “dating problem.”
Her nervous system was dysregulated because safety, to her, had always meant fixing unavailable people.
A good, calm relationship didn’t feel like love—it felt boring… and unsafe.
We didn’t work on dating tips.
We worked on rewiring her body’s sense of safety in receiving calm, healthy love.
That’s the kind of work that changes everything.
The Myth of “Overnight Change”
We live in a world that worships instant results. But change—real, lasting change—isn’t a light switch.
It’s a series of small, consistent shifts where your mind, body, and identity start lining up with the life you actually want.
The best part? Once your system fully integrates the shift, you no longer have to work to hold it. It becomes your new normal.
The Bottom Line
If you’ve felt stuck—cycling through the same patterns, feeling like life isn’t reflecting what you truly want—please hear this:
It’s not because you’re doing it wrong.
It’s because you’re trying to change your life without changing the unconscious blueprint that’s running the show.
And once you start working at that level—your nervous system, your beliefs, your identity—change becomes inevitable.
Want Support With This?
This is the heart of the work I do with clients.
If you’re ready to stop trying harder and start shifting the patterns you can’t see, I’d love to guide you through it.
You’re not broken. You’re wired for safety.
And together, we can update that wiring to support the life you actually want to live.
